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I first heard about “Cuffing Season” a few years ago from a friend. She described it as the period during the year when singles hysterically couple because they don’t want to be alone for the holidays.
Originally, I accepted this; after all, everyone wants a date for New Year’s Eve.
On Halloween that year, I received her happy text —
“It’s Cuffing Season!”
On Thanksgiving —
“It’s Cuffing Season!”
Shortly before Christmas —
“It’s Cuffing Season!”
That’s when it got excessive.
On Groundhog Day —
“It’s Cuffing Season!”
On St. Patrick’s Day —
“It’s Cuffing Season!”
On Earth Day —
“It’s Cuffing Season!”
On Arbor Day —
“It’s Cuffing Season!”
When Memorial Day rolled around and it was still Cuffing Season, I began to seriously doubt the truth of this phenomenon.
According to Merriam Webster, Cuffing Season is formally defined as inclusive of most cold months, beginning in October and concluding right after Valentine’s Day. While my friend may very well be practicing Cuffing Season up through National Mahjong Day (officially August 1), most singles will have moved onto other activities.
However, I was forced to reevaluate the length of Cuffing Season this year with the onset of COVID-19. Faced with the insecurity of a pandemic, quarantine, and certain loneliness, singles were frantically trying to find mates well into April.
According to surveys conducted by UK-based company OneBuy, a full one-third of singles reported receiving texts from their exes during quarantine. It seems lockdowns were enticing singles to behave in needy ways, which they would not do under normal circumstances.
It should be noted, this phenomenon was summarized in an article published on tyla.com, a website which also features links to editorials entitled, “How to Entirely Empty Your Bowels Each Morning (1 Minute Routine).” Make of its contents what you will.
That being said, tyla.com may have a point. Anecdotally, I have indeed noticed a distinct uptick in unsolicited Facebook friend requests from unknown men, and unsolicited messages from same.
One, who dubbed himself “BananaMan,” sent me a Facebook friend request, followed by a Facebook message.
“Hello, my name is BananaMan, how are you today?”
BananaMan, I maintain a strict policy of only corresponding with people who have a space between their first and last names.
Then there was my personal favorite, James Campbell (name changed to protect the guilty). James Campbell added me on Facebook, and proceeded to flood my newsfeed with posts, as he does with all of his Facebook friends.
James Campbell would post 24 hours per day in 15-minute increments about one of five topics:
- His cheating, b**ch a** of a girlfriend who dumped him during COVID;
- His estranged relationship with his family;
- Photos of his tummy;
- His deep, personal relationship with God;
- Vaguely pornographic photos about how much he likes “thicc girls.”
James’ posts could take on any order in true stream of conscious fashion. Viewers were particularly prone to whiplash when the religious posts were immediately followed by the thicc girl posts.
While I never did meet James, I felt that I got to know him well through these five topics; they provided a firm window into his psyche. Thus, it was a surprisingly lonely day when James Campbell disappeared from my Facebook friends list, presumably because his minder took away his login credentials.
As we round out the holiday season in short order, be on the lookout for new relationships. The couplings may surprise and delight you.
Sarah Brown is an old romantic. She can be reached at sarah@browns-close.com, and on Twitter @BrownsClose1. “Close” is a British term for alley or cul-de-sac.
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